Many violent relationships follow a common pattern or cycle. The entire cycle may happen in one day, or it could take weeks, months, or even years. Here are a few ways to notice the signs that your partner is abusive early on, based on frameworks and theories.
Lenore Walker proposed the cycle of domestic abuse in 1979. It consists of three components:
- Tension building stage: this is the phase of a relationship where conflict arises from shared household concerns like money, children, or jobs. At this point, the abuse will start verbally, and the victim will try to control the situation by avoiding the abuse, caving in to pressure, or charming the abuser, but none of these actions will end the violence.
- Incident: this is where violence and abuse starts to occur after the tension reaches a breaking point. The beginning of this episode is unpredictable and outside of the victim’s control because it’s typically brought on by the presence of an external event or by the emotional condition of the abuser rather than by the victim’s actions.
- The honeymoon phase: the abuser will apologise, downplay the severity of the abuse, and place the responsibility on the victim because they are ashamed of their actions. They will make a sincere effort to persuade the victim that the abuse won’t occur again and that ending the relationship isn’t required.
Lenore Walker writes that this cycle continues over and over. Nevertheless, the past 40 years have expanded the theoretical frameworks related to domestic violence, and updated frameworks have found several more ways that your partner can be abusive.
The Duluth Model takes account of more diverse survivor voices as well as increased knowledge and awareness of domestic violence by building on Lenore Walker’s cycle. It demonstrates that an abusive relationship, at its centre, has the power and control the abuser needs to maintain dominance. The external ring of the wheel is the barrier – the actions that an abuser may use to keep the victim in the relationship. These tactics of the abusers are often subtle and continual.
For example, the abuser may use the children as a way of being abusive:
- Making you feel guilty about the children;
- Using the children to relay messages;
- Using contact to harass you;
- Threatening to take the children away; or
- Deliberately disrupting the children’s routine, overindulging them on sweets, letting them skip nap time, and then leaving you to deal with the consequences.
This is an especially effective technique for abusers because of the intense love and value that most people have for their children.
Other examples can include using emotional abuse; making you feel that nothing is ever done correctly or good enough. Abusers may invalidate your thoughts, emotions, or merely refuse to engage with you, giving you the “silent treatment” to make you worried and feel unimportant. Or, using coercion, whereby abusers discover what you value the most, and offer to provide that in exchange for what the abuser wants, with the undertone that you won’t get what you want if you don’t do what the abuser wants.
We can help
If you feel you are a victim of domestic abuse, please do not hesitate to reach out on any of the contact numbers provided below.
Here at Ringrose Law, we offer a 24-Hour Domestic Abuse Helpline on 07739 748675. Alternatively, you can email to access the support you need.
National Centre for Domestic Violence: 0800 970 2070 or alternatively text “NCDV” to 60777.
Lincolnshire Police: 101 or 999 in an emergency.